Attracting the Right Kind of Lover

How do you attract the right kind of lover? By being a vibrational energetic match to the kind of lover you wish to attract! People are really confused about how life works when they say, “Why do I always attract the wrong kind of person?” It is because the person you are attracted to is mirroring something back to you that you need to see. The fact that you are asking the question means you don’t see it. If you make it your intention to see it then you can change and move on sooner. If you simply blame it on the others, you may stay in a seemingly endless pattern of attracting the same kind of person until you do see what it is that is in you that attracts such people.

While I was dating I met many women who said they wanted a kind and loving man; one who was interested in spiritual growth. Yet when they looked at me they could NOT recognize that I had those qualities. And the men they were attracted to, the ones who they had that chemistry with, those were usually the men who did not have those qualities. Not being able to recognize certain qualities means you don’t have them yourself or that something inside of you, some conflicting desire you hold, is blinding you to what is really there.

Later in life, those women who were paying attention, who were learning from life and healing their self-esteem found themselves naturally attracted to those kind, loving men who were interested in spiritual growth and they lost their attraction for the rough and abusive sort of men.

If you just want a relationship and are desperate to have one, you may find yourself in a difficult place. On one hand a person you meet and get involved with may not be the perfect fit you desire, but hormones, family pressure, financial challenges, having children or a lack of experience and awareness can get you caught up with someone who does great harm in your life. But if you focus primarily on taking care of yourself and your own needs, if you grow and learn to love yourself, then you will find you have the luxury to be patient and to pick and choose.

My wife Shyni had that sort of patience and waited until she was thirty years old. Did she miss out by not having other lovers before she met me? Some would say yes, but she never had the dramas and traumas that others had either. And being a single mother of an adopted child and the primary wage earner for her brother and mother, she did not waste her energy on men who would use her and abuse her. Shyni never regretted her decision.

I was impatient, inexperienced and unaware and married two women that ended in divorce. I was deeply hurt by those women and what I perceived they did to me. I dated many other women, and was sexually active. I had a very high income during those years, yet had nothing to show for it later in my life. Did I make a mistake? In many ways yes; if I knew then what I know now, I certainly would have done things different…but I did not know. Those relationships taught me many things about life, other people and myself; wisdom gained from experience which I am sharing with many people today. So we do need to be careful what we label a mistake and what we label missing out. Awareness and shifting your perspective is always helpful.

Things to be Aware Of

Be clear in what you will accept and what you will not accept. Draw your boundaries carefully. One issue many women have is with men wanting to share out their women, or wanting multiple lovers at the same time. There is nothing wrong with this if this is what you want too. But if it is not, then there is everything wrong with it. Our desires are creative!!! If a man wants this and you do not, or vice versa, then you are not a match. Even if he/she says they are willing to give up their desires to be with you, eventually the desire will create! It must, that is how life works. Then there will be apologies such as, “I did not mean that to happen, it just happened.” So do not settle. Find the lover that is the right match for your sexual preferences.

If you do settle be prepared to deal with the inevitable playing around that will happen. Don’t blame it on him, you were warned. Don’t judge him either. It is natural and hormonal for men to be like that. Also it has to do with his self-esteem that needs a boost and him not understanding how to do that for himself. Don’t blame it on yourself either, that is what he wanted, what he needed, and what he created. It does not matter how beautiful, how loving, how helpful, or how rich or whatever you try to be. If someone wants something that you do not have to offer they will find a way to fulfill it.

There is a real easy way to find out what a person wants sexually. Ask! But you must be clever in how you ask.

Men, and even some women, get all kinds of crazy ideas about sex, multiple lovers, group sex or swapping are just some of them. Men are animals! Okay sometimes it is the other way around, but not usually. Of course this is a generalization and it is the reason why you need to ask. It is pretty easy to sort it out right from the start…ask them. When you meet a new man ask, “Do you like to share?” Use a sexy voice; make it look like you want that. Do they want group sex? Any other ideas ask…most men who want such a thing will think, Wow, I have a hot one here, let’s go for it, and they will respond accordingly. But the men who find that repugnant will also respond accordingly. Then blow off the men who don’t suit your needs. Go further with the men who reject such ideas. If they think you are not right, just tell them you were testing them, which is the truth.

Men can ask the same sort of questions to the women they meet. If a woman says she does not want that, it is very unlikely that you will convince her. If you do beg and plead and manipulate her into accepting it, and you do have sex with other women, there will be hurt feelings and trouble. Most people know what they want. They don’t need to be convinced or manipulated. If you find yourself doing that you are really wasting a lot of energy. Lying about it won’t get you what you want either. It may get you more sex, but it will also get you a lot of pain. Not just the immediate pain you get from breaking one woman’s trust, but there will be karmic repercussions too! You don’t need to do that. Law of Attraction can match you up with women who are sexually playful or who understand that some men like a bit of variety. Yes there are women out there like that. And it is more likely to happen if you don’t waste your time with the women who don’t want that sort of thing when you do.

Be aware that there are sexual predators that will get involved with you with the view to also have sex with your children. They certainly won’t announce this. But those kinds of personalities often go with abusive men. So watch out for such things.

Watch out for anger and judgment. In the beginning a person might be real nice and loving to you, but how do they treat others? If he or she is mean, judgmental or easily gets angry at others, then one day they will be doing it to you or your children. How do they talk about other people? One day they will talk about you in the same way. If they have harsh ideas about crime and punishment, then one day when you do something they do not like that harshness will turn on you.

What kind of movies and TV do they watch? Movies and TV are influencing their mind and the habits they are developing. They are also a reflection of that which is already in their mind. Ask them how their shows make them feel. Do you want your mate to like feeling that way? How often do they watch? Or do they tend to do other things to relax or use their free time to educate themselves? These things are pretty easy to observe. They are not likely to change, at least not if it is you that is asking for them to change. People must want to change and intend to do so.

A secretive person can drive you nuts and most likely has something to hide. Will they share their income with you? Are they generous? Are they forthright with how much money they make? They can give you all sorts of excuses as to why they hide or keep their money solely for themselves and do not share, but in the end that will be the flavor of your relationship.

Are they needy? Do they talk too much? Do they need to be with you all of the time? Do they have to know everything you do, every person you talk to? Are they trying to control you? They will take your energy and leave you exhausted.

Don’t be so desperate to just settle for anybody. If you do, then you must realize it is temporary and will surely end sometime due to a lack of compatibility. You can and should learn to satisfy your own needs for love and peace and happiness. These things do NOT come from others. If you had that understanding from experience then you could be more patient and discerning.

Do the work you need to do on yourself and becoming the kind of person you want to be, someone who gives love, and who feels lovable and worthy of an appropriate partner and Law of Attraction will sort out the rest. Honestly, like attracts like. If you do not love yourself, you will be attracted to someone who will do unloving things to you. If you have abandonment issues you are very likely to be attracted to someone who is always threatening to leave you. If you have anger issues you will find someone to be angry at and you will damage your relationship.

You Cannot Wait Until You Are Perfect

I am NOT saying you should not be in a relationship if you have issues to work out. Most people do have issues and would go entire lifetimes without a relationship if they waited. In fact relationships are one of the best ways to work through such issues. However, you should make it your intention to get to know yourself, know your issues, and be working to clarify them. Be proactive, there is plenty of reading material you can learn from and plenty of classes and seminars.

You should also not be too surprised, and not be too heartbroken, if the relationship ends due to these issues. A breakup is NOT the end of the world. It can happen no matter what you do. If you work through your issues, your partner may no longer be a match for you and one of you may decide to end it. If the issues are not worked out, they may flare up to the point where the relationship is too painful to remain together.

Either way attachment is the source of pain. Happiness does not come from having what you want but from wanting what you have, which could mean the absence of someone else making life more difficult for you. Learn to love what you have and be open to change. Change always brings you something that you desire. So when change comes, welcome it and be curious…There are many things I have wanted, which ones will be coming next? What will I learn along the way? How can I use my new circumstance to become a stronger and more loving person?

So my recommendation is to focus on yourself, what you think, how does your thoughts make you act…and does they serve you? I’ve had some comments on other blogs from many friends who just cannot forgive certain things. Until you do you are likely to attract people with those qualities you cannot forgive into your life, one after another, until you learn the lesson of forgiveness.

I want to remind you of one thing…forgiveness is NOT the same thing as accepting bad behavior in your life. Forgiveness is the absence of judgment; it is about not dwelling upon the harmful actions of others and not wishing them pain and suffering. If you forgive someone you want them to understand, you want them to do better next time and you want them to heal. But forgiveness does not require that you give them the chance to work out their dysfunction in your life.

I also recommend reading these other blogs which also give good insight into relationships at their various stages.

* Relationship Break Ups – How to Cope
* The Secret to Creating Lasting Romance
* Self Healing Guide – From Misery to Bliss

My book Unforgettable: A Love and Spiritual Growth Story is a great guide to healthy relationships. It gives many concrete examples of things I did right, things I did wrong, and how I learned my lessons to move beyond the pain as well as the issues my late wife was dealing with. Those experiences brought me to be this man who finally has healthy loving relationships and finds it easy to draw boundaries and stick to them.

Love and Blessings,
Michael Skowronski
Author of Unforgettable: A Love and Spiritual Growth Story